Dear Reader,
I am so tired. I am literally hiding from my family. 2020 is draining me of so much energy and emotions. The last time I wrote to you things were "normal". We didn't have to wear masks. We could go out to eat. There were no tape lines on the floor to remind you not to stand too close to someone else. Kids went to school. We went to church- good times. Good times that I guess we took for granted. Now things are different. Now things are more frustrating and sad and down right confusing. I am not making light of the situation just stating the facts and my own feelings. I am trying to process how Covid-19 has challenged and changed me. I have learned that I am not even half as flexible as I thought I was in my time and where I focus my energy. Nearly every morning I have woken up and wandered around the house- aimless, goalless, and sullen. How do I be? What do I even do? What is important any more? Am I just too dramatic? I don't know the answers. I just keep going some how.
So I come to you tired, maybe dramatic, sad, frustrated, angry, worried, annoyed, and the only reason I believe I am here- hopeful, even if it is tiny and often feels like it is fleeting. Right before Advent this year I was finishing up a devotional and it quoted this “Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air...but only for one second without hope.” I am starting to believe this. I feel like it is the only reason I keep going. But hope in what, you ask? Well if you know me, you know. Jesus.
Appropriately the first candle of Advent is Hope. I honestly don't when I will get to literally light it. Our home life right now is more than a little chaotic hence the hiding, but I have to hope in ultimate gift of Christmas. God is lighting the hope in my heart just a tiny ember at a time.
I didn't really know how to come back and start writing. I don't know who reads this. I write to my past and future self- mostly. But this is a good a time as any.
Two days before Thanksgiving my husband thought he had Covid. He said he couldn't taste or smell things properly. He went to get tested but now we are self quarantining just in case. So that means no Thanksgiving dinner with the extended family. I probably didn't respond very well. I was in shock.
Fast forward to now- we have negative Covid-19 results and what feels like a million boxes delivered from Amazon and 6 days into Advent with no candle lighting with the family. I feel alone, but I feel like that a lot so that is nothing new. It just sometimes hits and hurts harder around the holidays. I love my family, but I can't make them care about the things I care about.
Usually I have a reading prepared or attempted, but with everything going on I couldn't summon the energy to make it happen. It felt disingenuous . My heart wasn't in it.
And with that I will leave this cliff hanger....I can't hide any more. I hope you are having a better time with your family than I am.
Yours truly,
Larissa
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