Advent at Home

 "Its the beautiful task of Advent to awaken in all of us memories of goodness and thus to open the doors of hope." -Pope Benedict XVI

 

We are smack dab in the middle of Advent.  I am challenging myself to think back on the "memories of goodness" and make a commitment to this season to be more hopeful, reflective, and patient.  I know it is late.  I really wish my life was more put together, but here we are.  I am going to take it as it is.

  

 "Just take everything exactly as it is, put it in God's hands, and leave it with Him." -St. Edith Stein

 

It is so very hard to let go of even the tiniest sliver of control sometimes.  Sometimes I just want people to leave so I can clean the house and then I have to take a deep breathe and love them any way.  One of the biggest things I'd like to put in to God's hands this Advent season is the MESS.  I am so bored and tired of cleaning up after everyone.  He can have this.  I don't care what anyone else thinks.  I say that a lot in my head, but then I end up staying up till 1 or 2 am "making things perfect".  Not this year. 

 

   

"When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed." -Maya Angelou

I had to give my emotions and frustrations to God when my husband thought he had Covid so we didn't see family or actually celebrate Thanksgiving because I had 2 days notice.  I was in so much shock I couldn't wrap my mind around what I was suppose to do and how I was suppose to express all the disappointment.  So my #Giving Tuesday ended up being our Thanksgiving.  In a way I was donating to myself and allowing myself to be thankful for a healthy body (my husband's test came back negative) and a way to heal my emotions and heal my expectations. 

 

 

 "The celebration of Advent is possibly only to those who are troubled in soul, who know themselves to be poor and imperfect, and who look forward to something greater to come." -Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Pastor and Theologian

 

I need to note three areas in my life in need of renewal.  I pray for strength and guidance to make a positive change this Advent even with it being half over.  There is still time for renewal.  I am constantly having to let go of my expectations so number one, I would like to renew my expectations  Number two, I need to renew my prayer life in general.  Number three, I want a renewed sense of peace when it comes to trusting my husband's decisions and trusting my children with their education.   

 

 This year I am using the devotional called Repeat the Sounding Joy by Christopher Ash.  It has been really calming when I can get around to it.  I would like to do it next year with my church <---note to self. 

 

The Lentiest Lent that I ever did Lent

I don't know who originally came up with this but I know I thought it many many times during this journey.  We are already on the second Sunday of Easter but I couldn't help but reflect on what will go down in history as one of the most memorable Lents that ever Lented. 

No sooner had I decided that this Lent I will get out more and volunteer and give up my alone time as a sacrifice to God then God says, "Yeah, but no.  I have a different plan.  I want you to stay home with your family." "Um...okay? Thanks?"

At first I have to admit I was optimistic (this will only last a couple weeks, right?) and hopeful but that quickly turned to frustration and anger (school and church are canceled for the entire month of April and now we might not even go back to school till fall?!?)  But surprisingly it has never once turned to fear.  I am not a super faith giant or anything but fear doesn't envelop me.  Sure, I get a little anxious but mostly because of my own fault not because of the actions of others.  I have complete faith that God will give me what I need ever day- not more, not less.  Covid-19/Cornavirus? Yes, any one in my family could technically get it.  Just because I have faith doesn't mean I or someone in my family couldn't get sick.  I am not naive.  But I trust in the promises of my Savior- He will take care of me HOWEVER that looks.  Also I don't watch or read the news much- I know just enough to be informed- any more and I think I enter into a world where I can not tell truth from fiction any more.  I cease to feel objective so God gives me just the knowledge I need. 

I was frustrated and angry, though,- a handful of time....not gonna lie.  I was partially frustrated about school for my girls.  Especially because we had some choir performances and a couple field trips and because I have learned to love the school environment and getting to volunteer.  Anger has set in because now I feel the burden of scheduling my brood of....to put it nicely....energy challenged, lethargic and languorous children...to form some semblance of productivity.  Not to mention how do we do church at home?  This last one ended up being a lot harder than I thought. 

In this post I will attempt to spill out my feelings and process what happened to Lent 2020 because like Ross from Friends said in "The One with All the Resolutions"...."This year was suppose to be great!"

When last I blogged I quoted Simone Biles "Stay healthy...." and may the peace of the Lord be with you.  This was nearly too prophetic as now all I see are people in masks (trying to stay healthy and keep others healthy) and trying to find a way to be at peace during this order to Stay At Home as far as it is possible.  I had ended on such a positive outlook and little did I know what would happen in the next month. 

Before everything was cancelled I had gotten into a good rhythm of praying and journaling during lunch.  I had an amazing note that was sent to me from my Secret Sister as well which turned out to be the best #Handwritten picture I could hope for.

"I use to equate my personal worthiness with employment, and it took me feeling empty, over and over again, to understand that's not where the real work lies." -Constance Wu, Actress

I was also getting much better and keeping productive and using my time wisely- or so I thought.  I was volunteering at the school every Tuesday and Thursday.  Hermione had a band concert which we happily and joyfully supported, not knowing that this would be the last school event for the school year.

"No act of virtue can be great if it is not followed by advantage for others.  So, no matter how much time you spend fasting, no matter how much you sleep on a hard floor and eat ashes and sigh continually, if you do no good to others, you do nothing great."  -St. John of Chrysostom

We were all living in this blissful world where we were getting ready to go to Seaside for the annual enrichment conference.  It is a vacation for the whole family.  It would also end up being the last time we would be able to be in a large group/gathering (as of April 18th we still have not had a church service which would be over a month ago now).  

On Friday, I got some fish sticks and more beans and rice.  I even grabbed toilet paper- but not in a hoarding way just a regular large pack of toilet paper because we needed toilet paper- simple as that.  As soon as we head home, I thank God that I bought this as I find out people be cray-cray about getting toilet paper.  It never would have occurred to me that THAT would be the thing to have during a pandemic.  

"Good food is very often, even most often, simple food." -Anthony Bourdain

On Saturday, March 7, I am pretty sure I spent the day doing laundry as most weekends before a trip I tend to do.  I didn't take a #Familytime picture because staying home and doing laundry is a boring way to spend the weekend.  I wanted to save that for our trip.

"One child, one teacher, one book, one pen can change the world." -Malala Yousafzai

We get to Seaside on Sunday afternoon and it was beautiful weather.  I took a couple pictures of the family in the car and a couple days later when we got to go get treats and ice cream.

This was one of the best sessions ever. 

Advent 2020

 Dear Reader, 

I am so tired.  I am literally hiding from my family.  2020 is draining me of so much energy and emotions.  The last time I wrote to you things were "normal".  We didn't have to wear masks.  We could go out to eat.  There were no tape lines on the floor to remind you not to stand too close to someone else.  Kids went to school.  We went to church- good times.  Good times that I guess we took for granted.  Now things are different.  Now things are more frustrating and sad and down right confusing.  I am not making light of the situation just stating the facts and my own feelings.  I am trying to process how Covid-19 has challenged and changed me.  I have learned that I am not even half as flexible as I thought I was in my time and where I focus my energy.  Nearly every morning I have woken up and wandered around the house- aimless, goalless, and sullen.  How do I be?  What do I even do?  What is important any more?  Am I just too dramatic?  I don't know the answers.  I just keep going some how.  

So I come to you tired, maybe dramatic, sad, frustrated, angry, worried, annoyed, and the only reason I believe I am here- hopeful, even if it is tiny and often feels like it is fleeting.  Right before Advent this year I was finishing up a devotional and it quoted this “Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air...but only for one second without hope.”  I am starting to believe this.  I feel like it is the only reason I keep going.  But hope in what, you ask?  Well if you know me, you know.  Jesus.  

Appropriately the first candle of Advent is Hope.  I honestly don't when I will get to literally light it. Our home life right now is more than a little chaotic hence the hiding, but I have to hope in ultimate gift of Christmas.  God is lighting the hope in my heart just a tiny ember at a time.  

I didn't really know how to come back and start writing.  I don't know who reads this.  I write to my past and future self- mostly.  But this is a good a time as any.  

Two days before Thanksgiving my husband thought he had Covid.  He said he couldn't taste or smell things properly.  He went to get tested but now we are self quarantining just in case.  So that means no Thanksgiving dinner with the extended family.  I probably didn't respond very well.  I was in shock.  

 Fast forward to now- we have  negative Covid-19 results and what feels like a million boxes delivered from Amazon and 6 days into Advent with no candle lighting with the family.  I feel alone, but I feel like that a lot so that is nothing new.  It just sometimes hits and hurts harder around the holidays.  I love my family, but I can't make them care about the things I care about.  

Usually I have a reading prepared or attempted, but with everything going on I couldn't summon the energy to make it happen.  It felt disingenuous .  My heart wasn't in it.  

And with that I will leave this cliff hanger....I can't hide any more.  I hope you are having a better time with your family than I am.

Yours truly,

Larissa