Car

With great happiness I type that I got about 10 hours of sleep last night.  Lucy has been repeatedly waking up at night.  She could be teething or getting a cold in any case it is not fun.  It is especially not fun on school nights.  The other night I only slept for about 3 hours because I was too afraid that if I did fall back to sleep I would never be able to wake up again to take Hermione to school.  That day I knew was not going to be good any way because of the car.

Poor car!  It is dying a slow death.  The steering has gone bad and repairs will cost over 400.  But here is the improvement on the situation- I did not cry about it!  This may not seem like such a big deal to the rest of you but it is such a big deal for me.  I use to be emotional about things like this especially as a teenager.  It took me a long time to realize that something is ALWAYS going to break or be in the process of being fixed.  It use to throw my whole day off.  Although it did throw my whole day I didn't freak out and I felt God in control of the whole situation.  I was able to take full direction from my husband, which was completely freeing even though I am scared to death of all that money being put into this car.  Thank goodness for wonderful people around and the auto shop in walking distance.

So I guess we have no grocery money for the month, but hopefully a fixed car.  We will be living on buttered noodles and beans & rice though I did get our meat so we have about 3 meals worth of round steak.  I am counting down the days till next pay day.   What I am worried about most is running out of diapers!!!!  I feel like such a taker from all the kindness of others, which I am not afraid to admit I need but am starting to feel a little guilty.  Am I having a pity party?  Yeah, probably, but at least it isn't an emotional fit. 

16

Cleaning Up and Moving Into Reality

I am cleaning up all my buttons.  This happens every few years or so when I realize I am not the person I wish I was and never actually will be.  I am not trying to be cryptic so I will just tell you what is going on.  My buttons were almost all to blogs that had something to do with homeschooling or quiverfully minded women or serious homemaking.  These are all things I wish I were.  I wish I could home school.  I wish I could have 12+ kids.  I wish I could devote myself to homemaking or at least take it a little more seriously.  I don't and can't.  My oldest is in public school because my husband said that is what he wants so I respect that.  We won't be having more children unless God miraculously takes out my IUD.  Again this is a respect thing and probably what most people would call practical.  I do not currently have a job outside the home so in all respects I AM a homemaker but I don't really do a very thorough job of it.  Part of me is so scared because I am NOT the things I wish and never really will be so I don't know what the future is suppose to be so why try so hard at a job I will have to give up.  I have a degree in English Humanities so I do not see a real job in that field unless I want to be a teacher.  I am not good at being serious enough to be a teacher.  The only thing I feel I have even been remotely good at is being a mom.  But reality dictates I will need a job when all my children are in school.  So here I am.  Trying to be realistic, trying to do my part, hoping I can find out what I am suppose to do.  I have time because my youngest is still only a year old, but I decided I better start now with this whole reality check before I become so engrossed in a world I am not a part of and continue to let jealousy take root in my heart.  So that chapter is closed and a new one is starting.

I Peter 5:7- Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 

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Prayer- the struggle and the wrestling

This is the last week for the study of Colossians with Good Morning Girls.  I have been so completely blessed and truly in the Word without feeling guilty for missing any days (I was really sick with a stomach bug on Sunday night and getting through this week was more focused on recovery) .  This was the BIBLE.  It was raw and real.  It wasn't a study with an extra book or one single person telling me how to read or what to believe in the Bible.  It let God do the talking and instructing.  It let the Spirit do the convicting.  It was with women who were not afraid to let the Scriptures BE life not just a compartment of their lives.  So super excited for the Advent study!!!!! 

I am not going to post my Bible study today because I wanted to also share about prayer.  I am involved with moms at church who are dedicated to praying for their children.  We meet on Tuesday mornings.  I love praying Scriptures for my children.  It is a struggle.  It is a wrestle.  Just like in Colossians where it says Epaphrus was "struggling on your (the Colossians) behalf in his prayers".  It reminded me of Jacob wrestling with the Angel and asking to be blessed.  It gives me a whole different outlook on prayer.  It even confuses me a little. 

My pastor's wife recommended having a notebook for our sheets of paper where we record our prayers.  I hope to start that soon.  Nearly every time I am with the group my baby is in my arms.  In this case, I would agree with my husband that a third arm would be very convenient because I hardly ever write anything.  My prayers are what God wants not necessarily written down., but I dearly love to see answered prayers and writing them down would help. 

This study has been amazing and I am so excited to see God working in the next one. 

Colossians Bible Study

Scripture-

Colossians 3:17- And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the LORD Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Observation-

Words are what we say.  Deeds are what we do.  EVERYTHING  Paul is continually telling the Colossians to be thankful.  I wonder why.  Maybe they had been ungrateful.  Maybe they needed constant reminders.  Maybe they complained a lot.  I am not sure we know, but I never realized this theme so clearly before.  

 Application-

I need to be thankful for the little things and the big things.  In word or deed and everything I do should be done in the name of Jesus.  I don't know if it is more complicated than that.  I guess I am not very good at stretching out my Bible study sometimes.  I know that I, personally, have a baby crying to get up and I sometimes want to leave her crying for a just a few minutes to get my study done.  I am thankful that I have a baby even if she is fussing.  I am thankful for dirty kitchen because that means we are well fed.  I am thankful that I am sitting on a couch practically covered in baby dolls because that means I have daughters displaying a nurturing spirit either that or they wanted to creep me out for Halloween a little early at 5:30am- but still I am thankful.  I will speak with love.  I will work hard in the name of Christ.

Prayer-

 Dear God,  Help me do and say the right things in your name.  I want to thank you for my family- the husband who loves to watch TV, play video games sometimes in excess, but willingly and courageously provides for us, my girls who fight and complain but are learning your Word, and for cute babies who are not always so cute at 2am.  Help me serve them.  Help me serve them by doing EVERYTHING in your name, Jesus.

Amen

Time to Clean

Guess who is coming to visit today?  My mother-in-law.  And guess whose house is an absolute mess?  Mine.  Yup, I feel great...that is sarcasm because you can't see me or hear me.  I am really trying to be that spiritually mature and faithful housewife but I almost really lost it yesterday.  I am just telling the truth and sometimes the day is just survival. 

Yesterday every time I picked up the baby to nurse her I practically fell asleep.  It has something to do with a hormone rush of oxytocin, which relaxes ones body but I felt like zombie.  I didn't even cook dinner- we got a pizza.  I have been overwhelmed and discouraged in general because I am solely responsible for the house.  My little ones need complete supervision for almost all chores.  I could really use some prayer because I am starting to dislike Sundays which sounds so AWFUL and IS awful. 

Dear LORD,
Please help me!  I am tired and discouraged.  I praise your name and want to do what is right.  I want to be responsible.  Help me be the wife and mother You have called me to be. 
In Your precious holy name,
AMEN

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