It has been a very long time. The short story, that I will not elaborate on at this time, is that our youngest daughter, was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. If I try to spill out all the memories and emotions about it I might not stop writing for a good 2-3 hours and as much as I would love to do that and probably need to do that at some point that is not my true purpose in writing at this time. I am writing because it the night before Lent and all through my brain is how I could hope to not go insane. With cleaning and fasting and the giving of alms so we can make to the Friday of waving the palms. Okay, I will stop now....but that would make a fun writing project- note to self write a new poem for the "Twas the Night Before Lent".
This will be my 5th year observing Lent. I thought I needed it desperately last year but compared to this year- I am not sure how to survive without meaningful spiritual renewal while my brothers and sisters in Christ all around the world participate with me. I am a complete mess in my mind and spirit because of the diagnosis and what I thought my life would be and what I could achieve (which mind you was not going to be something monumental but I at the time I thought was in my reach). I took this writing first to old-fashioned pen and paper before typing just so the temptation to look up whatever pops into my brain does not lead me down the rabbit hole. I need the focus. I am trying to free myself and let out the raw uncensored daily struggles out. Lent is about fasting- giving up something- so I give up the bottled up feelings of trying to keep it all together- at least here in what is a fairly safe place for me. Lent is about alms giving- I may have no monetary thing to give but I give my time and the control I thought I had- the thought that it was even mine to begin with is a laughable thought any way. Lent is about praying- LORD knows I will be doing that more than ever.
Yesterday, as I prepared, it is basically like most other days except that the kitchen is cleaner than it has been in so many weeks. I take a shower. I dry my hair. I measure Lucy's cereal, toast her bagel, and give her a shot. Hermione leaves for her bus. I wake up Ariana and she eats part of a bagel. I take the two younger ones to school but I forget the diabetes bag in the car so I walk back to the car after we had already made it half way through the parking lot. I say the "good-byes", "love yous" and "have a good day(s)".
I come home. I pour my husband a cup of coffee. I eat a bagel that I will regret later. He leaves a little while later. I finish the dishes while watching to Youtube clips of things like the Tonight Show with Stephen Colbert and Trevor Noah's The Daily Show and closer look segments with Seth Meyers. I can't watch regular news any more without bursting into tears or flaring up in anger or both.
With a lot of hesitation I do the budget and calling Uptown Music to update my payment option. The budget makes me depressed as usual and frustrated as usual. So I play Candy Crush Soda to get my mind off of how "surprise, surprise- we aren't millionaire's yet" but I know I should be relying on God. So now add guilt to the rest of my mounting feelings.
Unfortunately this seems to take up any free time I thought I might have had but in my mood I know I will over eat and so I do- left over enchiladas with piles of sour cream and chips- "It is Fat Tuesday after all!" I justify myself. I have about an hour to read. I have been reading Rachel Held Evan's A Year of Biblical Womanhood. I have been enjoying it very much.
After that is a blur of picking up Lucy and and trying to do things without fighting. SO MUCH FIGHTING AND ARGUING. While making dinner, she is disappointed about what it is. We fight some more and I actually told her to "Shut up". I can't believe I did that. It just slipped and she said or rather yelled- "RUDE!" I had to send her to her room until I can apologize.
Now I am frustrated yet numb and I am no longer interested in eating my carefully planned Mardi Gras vegetable meddle, rice, sausages, and Shrove Tuesday pancakes.
Still we sit together for dinner while my husband tries a new thing- Bible reading. I am glad to be trying this but it goes on for too long- I have to explain things, a lot of giggling, and silliness. Maybe we can still do this. Maybe we can make a break through.
I spill my guts to my husband at bed time and we talk till midnight and that- folks- is how I welcomed Ash Wednesday.
Faithfully yours,
Larissa
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