Meatless Meals and Prayer Intentions

 "Where there is clarity and wisdom, there is neither fear nor ignorance." -St. Francis of Assisi

The days have already been swiftly moving!  Last Friday started with a bit of a rushed time to vote for Olaf vs. Kateri Tekakwitha for Lent Madness.  I thought the decision was fairly easy- vote for a crazy Viking or a Native American sufferer.  Obvious choice- vote for Kateri and it was obvious for everyone else as well.  She has moved on to the next round.  I got to spend most of the rest of the day read Facing East: A Pilgrim's Journey into the Mysteries of Orthodoxy by Frederica Matthewes-Green.  I am overwhelmed by how much I am learning and falling in love with Orthodoxy.  Hopefully more about that later.  Because it came as a surprise that Hermione had another band thing at school in the evening so I was in a bit of a rush to make dinner- meatless and with a hearty serving of rice and beans of course- and then catch my ride to a friend's to watch IF: Gathering 2022.  Now I will be the first person to admit that I am not a fan of Women's emotional conferences and the frenzied worship style, but I want to be supportive and continue to give it a try.  This wasn't too much different from what I expected, but I did like the heart and conviction of the ladies and ministry goals.  I am willing to give it a tentative thumbs up mostly because I am so desperate for other people and community (which, believe me is RARE for ME) that I do have to applaud the effort.  Are some of the speakers a bit wishy-washy?  Yeah.  Do they focus and rely on the flash and sparkle of well-known speakers for promotion? Yeah.  Is there a lot things I could be picky about? Of course- I  wish there weren't so many "whoo-hoos" and repetitious songs and coerced repeat after me moments.  But I am going to put the negative stuff aside for now and pray that some day I could find an event that is not so cringe for me.  Believe me when I say I went down a HUGE 3 hour rabbit hole on discernment and truth seeking about the gathering and speakers trying to be gracious while not getting angry and feeling absolutely miserable about Christianity and church in general.  Moral of this rant- I need prayer!  

Which naturally brings me to the next topic- prayer intentions.  I, obviously, need some personal prayers while I struggle with the conflicts of ministry, but I have actually been praying on how to bring the beauty of the Lenten season into my very Baptist church.  I teach Sunday school to mostly my own girls but I have had a few extra regular attendees in the last month or so.  I pray that I am choosing the right kinds of activities and I pray they hear the gospel.  I spent much of Saturday working on the lesson that snowballed into what I wanted to reflect on- Christian symbols and church seasons of remembrance or memorial.  The original lesson was on the Miracle at the Jordan River, but once I started noticing all the parallels I couldn't stop.  I redid our bulletin board and can't wait to share with my students the tools to become more like Christ.  

So now after all of that I need some rest.  My heart is weary from feeling like I don't even know what to do beyond trusting God.  Maybe that is all there is, but some days it does feel like there could be more.

"Rest is so necessary for the health of our minds and bodies, and often so difficult to achieve due to the many demands placed on us.  But rest is also essential for our spiritual health, so that we can hear God's voice and understand what he asks of us." -Pope Francis

Sacrifice

 "What if we view this desert time of Lent as not just a time to reflect or to lament or to confess or to fast, but a time where we learn to be free?" -Megan Westra, speaker and author

The day is only just beginning and I feel peaceful and content.  First off this morning in Lent Madness we have our first two Saints of 2022 facing off- Stephen and Wenceslaus.  I filled out my bracket last night and I still think Origen is going to go- ALL THE WAY!  But today I voted for Stephen for a couple of reasons.  His story in the Bible is so moving.  If you have ever seen or hear of the miniseries called A.D. I often think of the moving scenes of Stephen's stoning.  You can view it on Youtube HERE  I watched it often as kid- I feel like I might have been the only child who was into watching Bible stories or it could have been the only thing we had available.  In any case, it did make a huge impact on me.  Plus I also voted for Stephen because I have a cousin named Stephen and just seemed like the right thing to do.  

Today's topic is Sacrifice so as I said in my last post our family will be Eating Rice and Beans in solidarity with children in Africa and to focus on simple meals so we have more time to pray and money to save to donate to Lahash.  Ironically we just ran out of money on our Food Stamps card so this will be a real test of faith and trust that God will provide and hopefully we have something leftover to donate.  I went through our pantry and pulled out just about every kind of bean and rice we have plus some couscous.  I was mildly surprised by the variety we have.  Tonight we will be officially starting dinner with a bean chili and rice with greens and homemade bread.  I am also trying to only eat bread I bake at home.  These project always start off so positive and fizzle out but I am being cautiously optimistic this year.  

My prayer for today:

Dear God, 

You are full of grace and mercy, O Lord.  Please help my family to understand Lent.  Lent is not just sacrifice.  It is the glorious freedom of less is more.  It is the time we get to love more.  It is opening up to all that You have made possible if we only turn from our sins. 

I confess that I am tempted to overeat.  I confess I ate 2 slices of cheese pizza last night, but I know there is grace and I know you love me even when I mess up.  

Thank you for beans and rice and for all that you provide.  Help my family to love you and thank you for the simple things.  

Give me the courage to do what I should do and please help me find a way to fix my teeth.  

In Jesus' glorious name,

Amen

Ashes

 "Ash Wednesday is full of joy...The source of all sorrow is the illusion that of our selves we are anything but dust." -Thomas Merton

Today is Ash Wednesday and you know what that means!  I am reborn from the ashes and I get to fast, pray, and give wholly of myself!  Lent felt like it was a long time in coming for me.  I think I have been waiting since early February, but God's timing is always right so I was patient but I also prepared.  Let me tell you what I am doing this year.  

Mornings- I will be playing Lent Madness again!  I haven't really participated since 2017.  But I am really in a good mood to read about the Saints and maybe pre-order a mug while I am at it.  I have a feeling Origen will be the winner of the Golden Halo but I still haven't filled out my bracket yet.  

Afternoons- I will be reflecting or reading on recommended books from Lent Ideas from Rachel Held Evans.  I miss her so much.  Her spiritual guidance challenged me and gave me so much to think about.  During one of these Lententides I would love to read all her books, but these are the ones I will be reading this year:

I am looking forward to  all of these books and I keep praying that I am not trying to overdo it.  

Evenings- will be focusing on the A Common Meal Devotional and participating in Eat Rice & Beans during Lent.  This will be brand new for us.  I am not entirely sure how it will go over and we will not really be able to start until tomorrow because of Youth Group at our house on Wednesdays, but I am looking forward to making meal time a little simpler even though I am anticipating some complaining from the family.  

In the in between times I will continue with Busted Halo Lent Calendar and Instalent Photos, which I might only post on Instagram once or twice a week as I have been reflecting on the question "Is it necessary/helpful for me to share the nature of my fast with other or should I keep it to myself?"  I am afraid I may be getting a spirit of pride when it comes to observing Lent.  I am going to keep the photo posts to a minimum on other social media accounts but I will post most of them here for my own personal enjoyment and to keep as memories.  I know I don't have many readers, if any, except myself so I won't have to worry about checking every 5 minutes to see if I got a "like".  

Today I was privileged to be able to receive the ashes at St. Boniface church in Sublimity, OR.  I was not sure I would be able to make it to any type of service this year, not just because of COVID (although the mask restrictions are being lifted, soon, I hear) but  because since the beginning of the school year we open up our home on Wednesday nights to our Youth Group.  But as God so blesses it was a Late Start Wednesday which meant I could go to an early mass before school started at 9:30.  My eyes tear up whenever we say the words "Lord, I am not worth that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed."  I know I am not Catholic and technically can not even take communion, but my soul feels these words and knows Jesus is there while I weep and wipe his feet with my tears and dry them with my hair.  I am so blessed and grateful for this yearly journey.  I love how it looks the same but also different every year.  BTW this was the most smudgiest ash I have ever received- it doesn't look like a cross at all!  See above for picture!

Pray for me as I fast today.  It has been a bit more difficult than some years today.  I have been drinking lots of tea and I have had my one meal for the day already: rice and beans with avocado toast so now I pray I will not be tempted by the food for the Youth Group.  

I absolutely love this time of year and can't wait to dive into all that God has to offer.  

Happy Lententide!

Just Writing

 Dearest Reader,

I don't have anything profound to say.  I am just writing to me as a kindness to my mental health.  I am a little frustrated with myself lately.  I have just gained so much weight and I look so old and sad.  I am actually really glad about wearing masks even though they are now technically optional especially if you have been vaccinated.  The mask hides my horrible blotchy skin and some sadness.  My house is literally so disgusting to me that I have been making plans in my head on how to stay away and outside as much as possible.  It is time to start up the garden and I just want a big dump truck to take my garage away or, I don't know, someone burn it down?  Ugh...I am hoping things turn around for me, mentally and emotionally, because this sucks.  

Words of hope for myself during this time:

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen"  Ephesians 3:20-21

Love yourself,

Larissa

Advent at Home

 "Its the beautiful task of Advent to awaken in all of us memories of goodness and thus to open the doors of hope." -Pope Benedict XVI

 

We are smack dab in the middle of Advent.  I am challenging myself to think back on the "memories of goodness" and make a commitment to this season to be more hopeful, reflective, and patient.  I know it is late.  I really wish my life was more put together, but here we are.  I am going to take it as it is.

  

 "Just take everything exactly as it is, put it in God's hands, and leave it with Him." -St. Edith Stein

 

It is so very hard to let go of even the tiniest sliver of control sometimes.  Sometimes I just want people to leave so I can clean the house and then I have to take a deep breathe and love them any way.  One of the biggest things I'd like to put in to God's hands this Advent season is the MESS.  I am so bored and tired of cleaning up after everyone.  He can have this.  I don't care what anyone else thinks.  I say that a lot in my head, but then I end up staying up till 1 or 2 am "making things perfect".  Not this year. 

 

   

"When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed." -Maya Angelou

I had to give my emotions and frustrations to God when my husband thought he had Covid so we didn't see family or actually celebrate Thanksgiving because I had 2 days notice.  I was in so much shock I couldn't wrap my mind around what I was suppose to do and how I was suppose to express all the disappointment.  So my #Giving Tuesday ended up being our Thanksgiving.  In a way I was donating to myself and allowing myself to be thankful for a healthy body (my husband's test came back negative) and a way to heal my emotions and heal my expectations. 

 

 

 "The celebration of Advent is possibly only to those who are troubled in soul, who know themselves to be poor and imperfect, and who look forward to something greater to come." -Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Pastor and Theologian

 

I need to note three areas in my life in need of renewal.  I pray for strength and guidance to make a positive change this Advent even with it being half over.  There is still time for renewal.  I am constantly having to let go of my expectations so number one, I would like to renew my expectations  Number two, I need to renew my prayer life in general.  Number three, I want a renewed sense of peace when it comes to trusting my husband's decisions and trusting my children with their education.   

 

 This year I am using the devotional called Repeat the Sounding Joy by Christopher Ash.  It has been really calming when I can get around to it.  I would like to do it next year with my church <---note to self. 

 

The Lentiest Lent that I ever did Lent

I don't know who originally came up with this but I know I thought it many many times during this journey.  We are already on the second Sunday of Easter but I couldn't help but reflect on what will go down in history as one of the most memorable Lents that ever Lented. 

No sooner had I decided that this Lent I will get out more and volunteer and give up my alone time as a sacrifice to God then God says, "Yeah, but no.  I have a different plan.  I want you to stay home with your family." "Um...okay? Thanks?"

At first I have to admit I was optimistic (this will only last a couple weeks, right?) and hopeful but that quickly turned to frustration and anger (school and church are canceled for the entire month of April and now we might not even go back to school till fall?!?)  But surprisingly it has never once turned to fear.  I am not a super faith giant or anything but fear doesn't envelop me.  Sure, I get a little anxious but mostly because of my own fault not because of the actions of others.  I have complete faith that God will give me what I need ever day- not more, not less.  Covid-19/Cornavirus? Yes, any one in my family could technically get it.  Just because I have faith doesn't mean I or someone in my family couldn't get sick.  I am not naive.  But I trust in the promises of my Savior- He will take care of me HOWEVER that looks.  Also I don't watch or read the news much- I know just enough to be informed- any more and I think I enter into a world where I can not tell truth from fiction any more.  I cease to feel objective so God gives me just the knowledge I need. 

I was frustrated and angry, though,- a handful of time....not gonna lie.  I was partially frustrated about school for my girls.  Especially because we had some choir performances and a couple field trips and because I have learned to love the school environment and getting to volunteer.  Anger has set in because now I feel the burden of scheduling my brood of....to put it nicely....energy challenged, lethargic and languorous children...to form some semblance of productivity.  Not to mention how do we do church at home?  This last one ended up being a lot harder than I thought. 

In this post I will attempt to spill out my feelings and process what happened to Lent 2020 because like Ross from Friends said in "The One with All the Resolutions"...."This year was suppose to be great!"

When last I blogged I quoted Simone Biles "Stay healthy...." and may the peace of the Lord be with you.  This was nearly too prophetic as now all I see are people in masks (trying to stay healthy and keep others healthy) and trying to find a way to be at peace during this order to Stay At Home as far as it is possible.  I had ended on such a positive outlook and little did I know what would happen in the next month. 

Before everything was cancelled I had gotten into a good rhythm of praying and journaling during lunch.  I had an amazing note that was sent to me from my Secret Sister as well which turned out to be the best #Handwritten picture I could hope for.

"I use to equate my personal worthiness with employment, and it took me feeling empty, over and over again, to understand that's not where the real work lies." -Constance Wu, Actress

I was also getting much better and keeping productive and using my time wisely- or so I thought.  I was volunteering at the school every Tuesday and Thursday.  Hermione had a band concert which we happily and joyfully supported, not knowing that this would be the last school event for the school year.

"No act of virtue can be great if it is not followed by advantage for others.  So, no matter how much time you spend fasting, no matter how much you sleep on a hard floor and eat ashes and sigh continually, if you do no good to others, you do nothing great."  -St. John of Chrysostom

We were all living in this blissful world where we were getting ready to go to Seaside for the annual enrichment conference.  It is a vacation for the whole family.  It would also end up being the last time we would be able to be in a large group/gathering (as of April 18th we still have not had a church service which would be over a month ago now).  

On Friday, I got some fish sticks and more beans and rice.  I even grabbed toilet paper- but not in a hoarding way just a regular large pack of toilet paper because we needed toilet paper- simple as that.  As soon as we head home, I thank God that I bought this as I find out people be cray-cray about getting toilet paper.  It never would have occurred to me that THAT would be the thing to have during a pandemic.  

"Good food is very often, even most often, simple food." -Anthony Bourdain

On Saturday, March 7, I am pretty sure I spent the day doing laundry as most weekends before a trip I tend to do.  I didn't take a #Familytime picture because staying home and doing laundry is a boring way to spend the weekend.  I wanted to save that for our trip.

"One child, one teacher, one book, one pen can change the world." -Malala Yousafzai

We get to Seaside on Sunday afternoon and it was beautiful weather.  I took a couple pictures of the family in the car and a couple days later when we got to go get treats and ice cream.

This was one of the best sessions ever. 

Advent 2020

 Dear Reader, 

I am so tired.  I am literally hiding from my family.  2020 is draining me of so much energy and emotions.  The last time I wrote to you things were "normal".  We didn't have to wear masks.  We could go out to eat.  There were no tape lines on the floor to remind you not to stand too close to someone else.  Kids went to school.  We went to church- good times.  Good times that I guess we took for granted.  Now things are different.  Now things are more frustrating and sad and down right confusing.  I am not making light of the situation just stating the facts and my own feelings.  I am trying to process how Covid-19 has challenged and changed me.  I have learned that I am not even half as flexible as I thought I was in my time and where I focus my energy.  Nearly every morning I have woken up and wandered around the house- aimless, goalless, and sullen.  How do I be?  What do I even do?  What is important any more?  Am I just too dramatic?  I don't know the answers.  I just keep going some how.  

So I come to you tired, maybe dramatic, sad, frustrated, angry, worried, annoyed, and the only reason I believe I am here- hopeful, even if it is tiny and often feels like it is fleeting.  Right before Advent this year I was finishing up a devotional and it quoted this “Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air...but only for one second without hope.”  I am starting to believe this.  I feel like it is the only reason I keep going.  But hope in what, you ask?  Well if you know me, you know.  Jesus.  

Appropriately the first candle of Advent is Hope.  I honestly don't when I will get to literally light it. Our home life right now is more than a little chaotic hence the hiding, but I have to hope in ultimate gift of Christmas.  God is lighting the hope in my heart just a tiny ember at a time.  

I didn't really know how to come back and start writing.  I don't know who reads this.  I write to my past and future self- mostly.  But this is a good a time as any.  

Two days before Thanksgiving my husband thought he had Covid.  He said he couldn't taste or smell things properly.  He went to get tested but now we are self quarantining just in case.  So that means no Thanksgiving dinner with the extended family.  I probably didn't respond very well.  I was in shock.  

 Fast forward to now- we have  negative Covid-19 results and what feels like a million boxes delivered from Amazon and 6 days into Advent with no candle lighting with the family.  I feel alone, but I feel like that a lot so that is nothing new.  It just sometimes hits and hurts harder around the holidays.  I love my family, but I can't make them care about the things I care about.  

Usually I have a reading prepared or attempted, but with everything going on I couldn't summon the energy to make it happen.  It felt disingenuous .  My heart wasn't in it.  

And with that I will leave this cliff hanger....I can't hide any more.  I hope you are having a better time with your family than I am.

Yours truly,

Larissa